Frank Pierre Presents: Pierre Resort & Casino | Infomercials | Adult Swim


>>WELCOME TO THE FRANK PIERRE RESORT & CASINO. THE PIERRE IS EaSleePlay. “HOTEL TOUR.”>>HI, I’M FRANK PIERRE, AND I’D LIKE TO TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY LATEST VENTURE. I BELIEVE THAT CLASS ISN’T A CLASS YOU CAN TAKE. THAT’S WHY I BUILT A SCHOOL TO TEACH IT TO YOU. AND THIS IS IT — THE PIERRE RESORT & CASINO. I MADE MY MILLIONS GIVING PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED, WHICH WERE PICTURES THAT WHEN YOU STARE AT THEM LONG ENOUGH, YOU SEE OTHER PICTURES. I CALLED IT “SEEN IT, SAW IT” ART. WHY DON’T YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF? [ GUNSHOT ] [ WOMAN SCREAMS ] DID YOU SEE IT? I CALL THIS ONE “WHALE OF A PRESIDENT.” [ CHUCKLES ] THE PIERRE RESORT & CASINO IS THE FIRST RESORT CASINO OPERATED ON INDIAN LAND THAT IS NOT OWNED BY A NATIVE AMERICAN, AND THAT’S SOMETHING I’M PROUD OF. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING — “BUILT ON SACRED NATIVE AMERICAN LAND. THAT MUST MEAN GHOSTS.” [ CHUCKLES ] NO WAY. WE’RE 100% NOT HAUNTED BY GHOSTS. [ LIGHTNING CRASHES ] [ EVIL LAUGHTER ] THAT’S A GUARANTEE THAT ALL MY RESORTS, CASINOS, RESTAURANTS, AND CHAINS OF VIRTUAL-REALITY BOWLING ALLEYS ALL HAVE IN COMMON. NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND. THE POOL AT THE PIERRE IS QUITE SPECTACULAR. IT’S THE ONLY POOL IN THE WORLD THAT HAS 13 REAL DOLPHINS ALL THE TIME. WHY WAIT TO SWIM WITH THEM WHEN YOU CAN DO IT 24/7? PLUS, OUR POOL ALSO FEATURES NOT ONE BUT THREE SWIM-UP COCKTAIL BARS, WHICH MEANS NOT ONLY CAN YOU SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS, YOU CAN DRINK WITH THEM, TOO. AND REMEMBER OUR RULES — NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO PROBLEM. [ CHUCKLES ] WE ALSO HAVE SOME OF THE BEST RESTAURANTS IN NORTH AMERICA RIGHT ON THE PREMISES. IF YOU’RE AN AMERICAN LIKE ME, YOU LIKE HAMBURGERS. WE HAVE THE WORLD’S LARGEST HAMBURGER GRILLERY, AND IT’S CALLED — YOU GUESSED IT — FRANK’S. TRY OUR BREAKFAST BURGER… OUR LUNCH BURGER… OUR DINNER BURGER. HOWEVER, IF YOU DON’T EAT FOOD, WE ALSO HAVE BEAUTIFUL ROOMS WITH ORNATELY DECORATED TABLES AND ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD. IT’S A FIRST OF ITS KIND. SO EAT OR DON’T. WE DON’T CARE. NO GETAWAY WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A RELAXING TRIP TO OUR SPA FOR A ONE-OF-A-KIND SUNDAE TREATMENT, AND THAT’S NOT “SUNDAY” WITH A “Y.” IT’S “SUNDAE” WITH AN A-E, LIKE THE DESSERT. OUR TRAINED MASSEUSES CAN MAKE YOU INTO A HUMAN SUNDAE USING AN EXFOLIATING WHIPPED CREAM… A CLEANSING CHOCOLATE SAUCE… AND FROZEN ICE-CREAM MASSAGE. YOU’LL BE SO RELAXED… YOU’LL WANT TO EAT YOURSELF. MM. OUR GYM HOSTS OVER TWO MILES OF TREADMILLS, SO THERE’S ALWAYS ONE AVAILABLE. OR YOU CAN TAKE AN ACTUAL RUN FROM ONE END OF THE TREADMILLS TO THE OTHER FOR A SURPRISINGLY REFRESHING WORKOUT. OUR GOLF COURSE HAS 23 HOLES, WHICH IS FIVE MORE HOLES THAN A NORMAL GOLF COURSE — BECAUSE WE CAN AFFORD IT. AND BECAUSE WE LOVE TO SUPPORT NATIVE AMERICAN HERITAGE AT PIERRE’S, WE HAVE THEM ON STAFF 24/7. JUST PRESS THE “INDIAN” BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE. EVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE A TRADITIONAL FIRE DANCE… OR TAKE A PICTURE WITH A REAL-LIFE NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN? [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]>>”HIT MOVIES.”>>WOW. LOOK AT THAT. IT LOOKS YOU’RE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. [ CHUCKLES ] THAT’S A JOKE. THAT’S NOT HOW TELEVISION WORKS. BUT IF I COULD SEE YOU, I’D IMAGINE YOU’D BE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM THINKING, “THERE’S NOTHING ON TV.” [ Feminine voice ] OH, DON’T BE SILLY. EVERY ROOM IN THE PIERRE IS EQUIPPED WITH M-O-V-I-E-T-V, WHICH IS OUR ACRONYM FOR MOVIE TV.>>GET OUT!>>[ Normal voice ] WHAT’S THAT, SUSAN? [ Feminine voice ] WELL, FRANK, IT’S A VIDEO-ON-DEMAND SYSTEM THAT DELIVERS THE LATEST MOVIES FROM THE CINEMA TO YOUR HOTEL TV. [ Normal voice ] WE HAVE A SELECTION OF THREE ROMANTIC COMEDIES, FIVE BRO-MANTIC COMEDIES, AND TWO MOVIES THAT ARE GENUINELY NOT GOOD. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. YOU LIKE TO BINGE WATCH? GET THE “BEST FRIENDS” PACKAGE AND CATCH UP ON EVERY EPISODE OF THE THAI REMAKE OF THE AMERICAN HIT SHOW “FRIENDS”… FOR ONLY $99.99. BUT HURRY UP. YOU ONLY HAVE 24 HOURS TO WATCH ALL 236 EPISODES. OR IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU LIKE VIDEO GAMES. [ CHUCKLES ] BAM! I GOT THE BAD GUY! [ CHUCKLES ] SO FOR ALL YOU VIDEO-GAME ENTHUSIASTS OUT THERE DIAGNOSED WITH PAC-MAN FEVER, FEED YOUR ADDICTION WITH UNLIMITED SUPER ULTRA BRICK BUSTER XTREME FOR $14.99 AN HOUR. DON’T GET P-OWNED, NUDIE, ON THE VIRTUAL GRIDIRON. I’LL FRAG YOU ALL DAY.>>”ADULT MOVIES.”>>DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PEOPLE… DO IT? [ CHUCKLING ]>>PERVERT! YOUR PRESENCE UPSETS THE GODS. IF YOU CONTINUE TO DISREGARD OUR PLEA…YOU WILL PAY.>>BUT KEEP THAT BETWEEN YOU AND ME. [ DING ]>>”TEENS DAY.” SATURDAY IS TEENS DAY. WE KNOW IT’S SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE OR SOMETHING THAT YOUR TEEN ACTUALLY LIKES. THE FRANK PIERRE RESORT & CASINO OFFERS A STATE-OF-THE-ART INTERNET CHAT PROGRAM THAT CONNECTS YOUR TEEN TO OTHER TEENS IN THE HOTEL.>>I LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS.>>”CASINO.”>>LOVE CASINOS BUT FIND THE GAMES COMPLEX? WE’RE THE FIRST CASINO TO HAVE MILLIONAIRE SOLITAIRE… CASINO WAR… PROFESSIONAL POGS. FINALLY, GAMBLE WITHOUT ALL OF THE PRESSURE OF STRATEGY.>>”LEARN CASINO WAR.”>>HEY, THERE, LUCKY. WHY DON’T YOU TEACH MY FRIENDS HOW TO PLAY THIS WONDERFUL GAME?>>LEARN CASINO WAR. IT’S THE THINKING MAN’S GAME FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO, THEY DON’T LIKE TO THINK. CASINO WAR IS PLAYED USING A STANDARD 52-CARD DECK. THE DECK IS DIVIDED BETWEEN TWO PLAYERS. EACH PLAYER DRAWS A CARD AND PUTS IT INTO THEIR RESPECTIVE PILE. THE PLAYER WITH THE HIGHER-VALUE CARD WINS BOTH CARDS! YOU KEEP DRAWING CARDS UNTIL ONE PLAYER HAS ALL THE CARDS AND — JACKPOT — YOU WIN!>>WELL, THIS SOUNDS FUN AND UNCOMPLICATED. I LIKE IT! HOW LONG IS AN AVERAGE GAME?>>ABOUT 30 TO 40 MINUTES A HAND.>>WELL, THAT SOUNDS TERRIFIC. [ MAN SCREAMING ] LET’S PLAY.>>ALL RIGHT. WE EACH DRAW A CARD. LOOKS LIKE YOU WIN. YOU GET THE CARDS. LET’S DRAW ANOTHER. WELL, MY CARD’S HIGHER, SO I WIN. LET’S DRAW ANOTHER CARD. HO HO HO! LOOKS LIKE I WIN. LET’S DRAW ANOTHER. YES! I WIN! LET’S DRAW ANOTHER. WOW! WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME CARD. THAT MEANS WE BOTH GET TO SAY…>>Together: CASINO WAR!>>SO WHEN THAT HAPPENS, WE EACH PUT A CARD FACEDOWN AND DRAW WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A “WAR CARD.”>>DID I WIN?>>NO, I’M AFRAID NOT. I WIN, SO I GET ALL THE CARDS.>>I GUESS THAT’S WHY THEY CALL YOU LUCKY.>>YEAH.>>DEAL ME IN… AND I’LL SEE YOU…AROUND. OH! [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] [ GASPS ] [ BREATHING RAGGEDLY ] WE’RE ALL DEAD. WE’RE ALL DEAD. WE’RE ALL DEAD. WE’RE ALL DEAD. WE’RE ALL DEAD. WE’RE ALL DEAD.>>[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ] [ DRUM BEATING ]>>I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY AT THE FRANK PIERRE RESORT & CASINO. PLEASE STAY AGAIN.>>WELCOME TO THE TOWN OF SACRED HOPE. THIS IS WHERE THEY ATE. THIS IS WHERE THEY PLAYED. THIS IS WHERE THEY LIVED. THIS IS WHERE THEY TEASED HIM. THIS IS WHERE THEY BEAT HIM. THIS IS WHERE HE HID UNTIL HE BECAME…ONE OF THEM. “SKUNK BOY.” NOW ON VHS AND LaserDisc.>>YEAH!

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28 thoughts on “Frank Pierre Presents: Pierre Resort & Casino | Infomercials | Adult Swim

  1. Well Newbridge was built on a Viking burial ground…. therefore the Newbridge infomercial should have been haunted by Viking berserker ghosts !!!!

  2. Shit, I didn't even know that my fate would be sealed in 3 moons by watching. I paused the moment he said that, and did not finish the video. Does it still count as a view? Is my fate still sealed?

  3. Is that 'three moon rises' three full moon rises (as in three more months)? Or is it three more nights (meaning I only have three more days to live)? Cause I still got money in the bank that I want to spend, not to mention a bucket list that I need to trim down cause three days just isn't gonna cover all the shit I want to do. Can someone help me here? I'd greatly appreciate any input here fellas.

  4. Native Americans don't believe in getting their photo taken because they believe it steals a piece of their souls. By the look of that hotel Indian, he's already lost his.

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